Possible interesting observation:
I bought this giant silver cross off ebay, being a hu-age Buffy fan. I wore it to work in a sort of 80s-glam Madonna-ish style fashion. But still, every time I wore it I got comments from members of staff at work. Quite serious comments, such as "This isn't meant to be a funny question, but are you Christian?". Not that I think it's wrong to assume someone may be Christian because they wear a cross, and I certainly don't take it as an insult, but you can detect the wariness in their voices. It's the same kind of tone people use when you might say something a little unconventional regarding a sexual question, and people say "it's ok if you are, but you're not
gay are you? You didn't seem like the type!".
I'm not sure where this leaves me, and it's not as if I am of any definite religious conviction, or that I don't believe that some people abuse religion. However, I do believe that many religions have good ideas at their center.
And why is this question, and indeed questions regarding our sexuality, asked in this serious tone? Do people believe that if we answer "yes" then the person they knew is gone, and there's a different one standing in their place? Some religious zealot? Some sexual deviant?
I do believe my sexuality and spirituality are a part of who I am. But if you took them away, I would still be me. They do not remove my personality or the way I would live my life to a huge extent. They are important parts of my life, but I still can't shake the belief that these are not important, fundamental facts that define me. I am not Catherine Eaton-Lee, 19, bisexual female, once Christian, then atheist, now pursuing an interest in the comparisons of monotheistic religious than originated in th middle-east. I'm just me, Cat, who loves her mum and her boyfriend, and wants to widen her mind.
I'm probably wrong. If you told me tomorrow I couldn't be gay then I would be angry. But I suppose just as angry if you told me I couldn't be straight. I guess I would be angry from the point of view of my freedom being taken from me.
Maybe that's it, as long as I have the freedom to express myself, the constructs of gender, sexuality, religion, class, ethnicity are not so important. We can express ourselves via these constructs, but they are not always helpful, especially when people react as I have described above. I wouldn't want anyone to feel their opinion of me has largely changed if I told them I was gay or religious, except that they might have respect for my honesty and open-mindedness.
About a month ago I had an idea, which I can't remember if I discussed here. Because of the reaction surrounding my cross I would love to take it a step further. I would love to wear a hijab in public, just to see the reaction. Not as an attempt to scare people, or provoke them. Simply walk down the street and observe how I am observed. I think we take it for granted somehow that people's reactions are all around us. We just become blind to the invisible reaction of seeing someone we percieve as "normal". I certainly feel I become invisible sometimes because I look "normal" for where I live. If I wore something that indicated otherwise I know the reaction could be different.
I would not want to promote any kind of negative image of Islam, indeed I would like to promote the opposite, but it would be interesting to see, e.g. in job interviews or being served in shops the way people reacted.
Zhongjie said I was asking for trouble, and people would only stare because I was Muslim and white. I tried to explain it further to him, that I wished to understand another's viewpoint, and I wouldn't act any different from normal otherwise. That I knew many non-Arab Muslims. That I could empathise with the choice to wear a hijab, that he could never understand what it is like to be eyed up like a piece of meat on the street by strangers even if you're not wearing anything particularly revealing. I wanted to see if I would find solice in wearing a headscarf, or whether it would make me feel more afraid, because of islamaphobia and racism. He seemed to understand.
It's not as if I will do it, the idea satisfies me enough, but I think all of this is interesting, and worth exploration. I'm still very unsure where I stand in all of this. I know that I have a strong desire to learn about religion, and a hatred of oppression and discrimination... but religion sometimes causes these things. I also believe that people cause oppression and discrimination, rather than religion itself. I find peoples reactions interesting towards these sort of things, because it is so often negative, yet these people have never personally faced oppression because of religion. They must just be speculating about something they have read or heard. Perhaps I am not one to judge, and perhaps their intent is honorable, but they are just not sure what to expect. The thing is, all they should be expecting, as far as myself is concerned, is just me, plain ole me, because that is all I am, and it is all I can give.
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